As per requested. Like the German poster? Using my very weak German skills, it roughly translates to, "The planet is a playground, and you are the play."
The story goes as such, I came home from work Saturday night, all ready to go straight to bed, when what should be playing on the TV but Predators. I take one look at the scene playing and recognize it as a movie where the survivors are few. I then immediately pronounce, to Dad who had it on, "She is going to live. He is going to die." and I sit down on the couch because I like bad predictable movies.
Not half an hour later, the fellow I predicted would die is dead, along with a good portion of the motley crew of seeming weapons experts. The woman has been getting all motherly, protecting the people she can, and shooting the ones who got too hurt to move on. Adrian Brody is all, "I like hunting people. It's more important to be alive than to be human."
People die until there are three left. Yes, three. Suspicious, no? Because only two are allowed to survive in cases such as these. Well, the three are booking it to the Predator camp to hijack the spaceship (Oh ho ho ho. What a great and reasonable sounding plan), when Mr. PatheticEveryoneLookAfterMe gets his leg caught in a trap. Wounded, he now is a liability and Adrian Brody wants to leave him. The Motherly One is all like, "I have to help him" and Adrian Brody leaves them to go get the spaceship, but only after some bad dialogue."
The Motherly One: "What are you then, if not human?"
Adrian: "I'm Alive."
The Motherly One: "Is it worth it?"
Apparently yes, since Adrian makes it to the spacecraft with all limbs intact. But wait, the Predator detinates the ship, killing all inside. Meanwhile, the woman and Mr. PatheticEveryoneLookAfterMe limp along until they are captured by the Predator and thrown into a hole...for later. The woman tells Mr.Pathetic, "When it comes time, I'll make it quick, for both of us." and Mr. Pathetic gets all glinty evil eyed. WHAAAAAT? He doesn't want to die a quick painless death? No, definitely not, as he poisons the woman with neurotoxins and goes all Scarecrow on her. Turns out he's a murderer with a thirst for being normal.
But wait! Adrian Brody never got on the ship. He comes and saves them, but really just the woman, whose name we finally find out is Elizabeth. After taking care of Predator there are really only two questions and one comment left to make. One: Why does the next Predator hunting session start the next day?, and Two: Why does Adrian save Elizabeth? He is perfectly willing to use anyone as bait in order to kill Predators. He himself is a person hunter. So why save Elizabeth? Is it because she acts all motherly, protecting or shooting people when necessary and he appreciates that? Does saving her make him feel human? Is it because she's a lady? Personally, I feel that the movie wants you to believe she makes him feel human, but I think it's because she's a woman.
Now for the assessment.
Predators was better than Predator. While mildly painful, it was much more enjoyable than the torturous epic that is Predator. However, it did borrow some entertaining features from the original.
First feature: 80's style gynormous guns. Seriously, there were a lot of reallllly big guns.
Second feature: the ridiculously ripped male lead. This one was a surprise as it was Adrian Brody, who seems more lanky than brawny.
And the Final Feature: The mysteriously disappearing clothes of the male lead. I might be wrong, but isn't this movie franchise intended for a mostly male audience? So why did Schwarzeneger slowly, and inexplicably, strip his top half in the original? And why, also slowly and inexplicably, did Adrian Brody do so in the sequel? Perhaps this question will never be answered, but at least it was asked. If you are going to be ridiculous, at least pretend to have a reason for it.
I give Predators a 3.5 out of 5 for cheesy badness.
.jpg)
